What is Abuse?

If your girlfriend works to block your male friendships, is it abuse?

Yes.

Consider the following statement:  Why do you need male friends? Are you gay?

Women cannot understand male friendships, so they do what they know: sexualize them. It’s utter nonsense, but, hey, it is what it is, right?

But what is it?

Insecurity. They believe that somehow your friendships are more important than she is.  That you “buddies,”  a word I never use because it goes too easily with “buddies” as in “drinkin’ buddies.”  I don’t drink, and I don’t have any “drinkin’ buddies.”  Yeah, my friendships are important, but I am not married to my friends.

I was maybe ten years old, in grade school, and a girl at the bus stop, whose name I do not recall, snitched to the school authorities that I had been playing with matches at the bus stop. I was punished in ways that would not happen today. Question. Would that girl have snitched on me had I been a girl? Most people say no.

It’s a challenge to articulate how women abuse men without appearing to be simply complaining, looking bitter, or representing a grudge from a past grievance, real or imagined. It is a challenge to be clear of these things, anyway, for anyone, especially if he has been abused. Furthermore, the abused man can believe that his abuse is just part of the landscape of a relationship, not wrong or out of line.

Abuse is defined as the cruel and violent treatment of a person, animal, or object.

The abusive woman could be your girlfriend, your wife, a casual associate, a coworker, an employee at a nearby club or business, or even a police officer or city official. The abuse can be emotional, financial, verbal, or all of the above. It can come in the form of continuous provoking, drug use, physical violence, or a host of other forms. Snide, sarcastic (not the funny kind) commentary is abusive. Weaponizing personal information is abusive.

Silent treatment, slamming cupboard doors, causing “accidents,” storming out of the room, admonishing the man in public over a perceived transgression, however slight, physically striking the man, losing important or valuable articles: these are some of the abusive patterns we recognize all too well. A woman obsesses over some minor detail all day long and when she comes home (or he gets home), lays into the man with a litany of complaints about him. Or she agrees to financial goals for the family and then wastes a great deal of money on frivolous, unnecessary purchases, many of which simply gather dust after they are acquired. Or a woman whose income is important for the family’s welfare precipitously quits her job because she got angry with her boss, a boss with whom she was in constant conflict. Men also do such things, or worse. When women do them, it usually goes unnoticed, unreported, and uncorrected.

Overcoming verbal abuse may seem impossible, but it is achievable. I find it difficult to trust anyone—though there are exceptions—who claims to “let it go.” Grievances fester unless we learn to manage them spiritually without saying, "I never get angry; I grow a tumor instead" (Woody Allen, Manhattan, 1979).

Recalling an incident of verbal abuse can trigger a flood of hurt feelings, anger, and low self-esteem as if the event is happening again. Our peers often dislike when we do this. Can we blame them? It’s tough for us but even more challenging for them to hear it repeatedly. They relive their grievances as well but usually remain silent.

Experiencing verbal abuse is sometimes described as “working yourself up,” reliving a traumatic event, holding onto the past, and not letting go. No one enjoys being mistreated, but overcoming these experiences is a skill I practice daily, even now as I write this. It’s also a skill I teach others as a therapist and writer.

This group, the book The Hidden Side of Domestic Abuse, and the website menabusedbywomen.com are dedicated to helping men recover from verbal abuse by women and educating them on avoiding situations that could lead to such abuse, especially regarding partner selection.

I grew up in a home where verbal abuse from women was prevalent—name-calling, sarcastic comments, hurtful remarks, and contempt so horrifying I cannot recount it. The men silently developed ulcers and endured arterial sclerosis. It’s no wonder that until I learned better, I often connected with harmful drinking and mean, borderline-psychopathic women who either did not realize they were being verbally abusive or justified their behavior with self-righteous statements like, “It’s a free country,” often with a smirk, or, “I was protecting myself from you."

Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse that includes, but is not limited to, yelling, name-calling, sarcastic remarks, blaming, saying something hurtful then leaving the room, embarrassing the targeted person in front of others, or provoking confrontation while nonstop criticizing and correcting the victim.

Words can heal or harm. Healing can be expressed as, "Thank you for caring about me,” while harmful words include comments like, "The stairs are slippery,” "You didn’t park the car correctly,” "You’re impolite,” and "You’re controlling.” “You, you, you.” Sound familiar?

Verbal abuse consists of words or behaviors aimed at manipulating, intimidating, and controlling someone. This includes insults, humiliation, ridicule, the silent treatment, and attempts to scare, isolate, and dominate. Verbally abusive individuals often appear to be ideal partners at first, as their behavior may emerge gradually or occur suddenly. Words can impact people and events more significantly than violence or physical force.

Consider this: "The pen is mightier than the sword; for by the sword are mortal battles waged, but by the pen, entire cultures swayed, eternal societies arrayed, and souls of men saved." This phrase was first written in 1839 by English author Edward Bulwer-Lytton in his historical play Cardinal Richelieu.

The good news is that:

1. You don’t have to enter into a romantic relationship with an abusive woman.

2. You can leave an abusive relationship.

3. You are not powerless at work if your boss is abusive; you can document the abuse. Words hold power.

4. You can ask “friends” and family members to stop their abusive behavior.